Worth ('Out Loud For Me')
by Milu Georgia
Summary: Hydra is messing with his head and the harder he tries to choose between his team and Bucky, the more mistakes slip in. Filled with doubts he comes to a sobering realization: besides being a horrible friend and useless leader he is worth nothing in this time. #2 of my 'Out Loud For Me' - Series


**Music tip:  
Woodkid - Shadows  
youtube: **watch?v=mC4_tfhvksk

* * *

Worth

 **Part 2  
** _'Out Loud For Me' - Series_

* * *

"Let's go."

It is the first mission since their capture about a month ago.  
The wounds are mended.

It is the first mission since Steve returned to the Stark Tower a week ago.  
They haven't talked much.

It is their first mission without their ever-present banter on the communication link.

Steve blames himself for it -  
but the scrutinizing looks by certain teammates have been unbearable, the unasked questions as well as the lingering feeling of regret.  
Now the Captain is back and little Steve safely secured in old sepia-toned memories, which he only ever dares to bring up in dreams and drawings. The damage done by the Major is contained and so he moves quietly towards his first destination, as soon as Iron Man gives the final go.

It's another Hydra base.  
Another fight they should easily win.

It goes without saying that all of them are incredibly tense.

A little mistake, a short negligence, and he has nearly lost everything he has still left in this world – in this _time_.  
It's something he can't afford, so Steve goes faster, moves quieter and thinks less. His first priority is to make sure his team gets out safely, his second is the mission. Supposedly the inconspicuous base in the South of Germany has crucial information about the scepter Thor's been aching for, since SHIELD vanished into thin air, a well-webbed net made out of lies and a stained legacy.  
Helping the god to get it back is the least they (he) can do after destroying what once was the most secure place in the world (Peggy's legacy).

" _Security system offline, you've got two minutes until they'll get it back up."  
_ Tony.

" _Give me one."  
_ Natasha.

The plan rushes through his head once more: Hawkeye will keep Widow save, until she has extracted the crucial information about the scepter, Thor will fight the enemies' forces on the outside together with Iron Man, who will secure their way out at the same time. Bruce is on standby and keeps the quinjet running in case something unusual happens, something like last time and a god, two assassins, a genius and a super soldier aren't enough again to get the job done.

"Tony?" he asked quietly and rushes forward through the dark corridor below the main base. The update on the situation outside comes almost immediately. _"Several enemies, nothing we can't take. Feels a little too quiet for the crashing entrance we made though."_

" _A trap? Again?"  
_ Hawkeye. He sounds as disbelieving as Steve feels.

" _Why not – it worked quite well for them the last time, didn't it?"  
_ Iron Man.

A decision – stop the mission or keep going despite the risk?  
Since basically everything they do is a risk and securing the scepter can't wait, he goes for the latter and sends a quick prayer upwards.  
"Hawkeye?"

" _We're good, Cap."  
_ It's not a clear answer, but good enough for the moment. Before he can ask again, Widow's quiet voice adds, _"I'm nearly done, thirty seconds."_

Everything goes according to plan, so Steve pushes the worries aside and enters the room he has been looking for. At first it looks like a normal office, a desk stands on the opposite side of the room and the walls are decorated with maps and shelves.  
The leader has been in here just minutes ago and the commotion has drawn him out of his shell like they have planned all along.  
For seventy years Hydra was supposed to be non-existent, seventy years of time to plan and built bases all over the world. They desperately need some intel, otherwise there is nothing standing in between Hydra and the world they want to take over with their sick ideology.

And he needs something - anything at this point – about Bucky.  
He is unpredictable and it makes Steve sick to not know where he is.  
Safe? Captured? Injured? Already de-

" _Got it, Cap!"  
_ Black Widow's voice is quiet and free of the excitement Natasha would be filled with in a tense situation.  
"Stick to the plan and find the leader. He must be still inside of the building," he informs her, while his eyes wander over the old maps on the walls that remind him of a similar situation. He knows it's not the same, of course he does, but… Just to make sure he goes through the other door into an abandoned room with nothing left in it.

No experiments. No soldier. No Bucky.

His steps lead him back towards the desk, a laptop has been here just minutes ago, the surface is still warm. On the wall to his left is a shelf with several old cases. Usually they would have been burned by now and every little piece of important data contained on a little devise no one would be able to find. Nonetheless the leader of this hellish place has kept and carefully arranged them. He takes a step closer, maybe there is something about their Winter Soldier, maybe there is a way to get Bucky back, just _one_ look won't hurt anybody-

That's what he has thought during their last mission, before all hell broke loose.  
"I'll check the east wing, you take the other direction."  
With fast steps he leaves his need and Steve's desperate curiosity behind and runs down the corridor to follow his mission. About the scepter – not Bucky. Never Bucky.

' _You are my friend…'  
_ ' _You are my mission!'_

And while he runs down the endless corridor and listens to his own steps reverberating off the walls, the oppressive silence pulls up his memories once more and a mist made out of guilt, anger and desperation clouds his mind.  
Unable to escape he gives in, fists clenching and steps slowing down.

' _He never screamed… Until we began to play with his mind… Oh the_ _ **screams**_ _, Steven-'_

' _Made him forget everything, your name, his name, where he came from… he was unable to remember the day you abandoned him on that train as well…'_

' _The only one bringing his painful memories back over and over again… Shall I tell you how you inflict even more pain on your precious friend… every time you confront him so stupidly?'_

…and somehow the Major is right, isn't he?  
For seventy years Bucky was waiting for him – for seventy years the Winter Soldier had built a life for himself (as dangerous as he might be now). What right does he have to force himself upon him now as anything else than an enemy, a past stranger who didn't even have the time to look for him? What good would he do? What harm?

…is Bucky even still in there?  
After years and years of torture and pain and harm whenever he dared to think of Steve it is unlikely, isn't it?

Even if he would get Bucky back, even if they do the impossible… what would he wake up to? A friend who is worth nothing –  
The Captain, his will to fight and preserve, not Steven, the little boy from Brooklyn who was too dumb to back away from bullies and sickness upon sickness.

Bu- The Winter Soldier clearly doesn't want him around, it's a wonder in itself that he fished him out of the river after his suicidal attempt to stop Hydra's most dangerous weapon. His reason for it is still a mystery to him, but the Captain doesn't question it any further. The Winter Soldier is a stranger to him as much as the Captain is for Hydra's weapon.

…he is a horrible friend, isn't he?  
It begins with him leaving Bucky behind and not even looking for the body, because the mission had a higher priority, it always has to, even now (he would have been able to prevent Hydra from getting the upper hand during their last mission in the first place).  
He should have reached Bucky _somehow_ , he is- was his best friend after all, but the Winter Soldier stayed strong until the end only to run away from him as far and as fast as he could.  
He should have listened to Natasha's warning back then, when he had been too preoccupied with getting something about the soldier instead of helping them out.

" _\- Cap? He's not here, what now?"  
_ Black Widow's voice pulls him back and he finds himself still running through the abandoned corridors. The rooms to his left and right are all empty and deserted, not a single sign from the leader they are looking for.

He is worth nothing as a friend.

"Hawkeye, you'll check the rest of the building, see if there are stragglers left, Widow you help looking in the east wing on the upper floors."

But he is a captain looking out for his team.  
And that has to count for something, right?

" _On it."_

" _The cavalry is finally here."_

"You need help?"

" _Nah, Thor and I'll clean up, you search the evil mastermind."_

The endless corridor finally opens into a large room several meters underground. Old lamps wrap the cold stone walls into a dusty white light and flicker every so often. No one has been in here for a while, the missing equipment is indication enough as well as the bad state of the cracked walls and beams. Except for the door he slowly passes there is no way out –  
and still the leader is waiting for him patiently in the middle of the room, hands folded in front of him and with an easy-going smile on his face.

"Found him. Something is wrong though, be careful," he mumbles and waits for an answer. After several seconds of oppressive silence over the communication link he is about to try again, as the leader speaks up.

"Don't try, Captain, our systems are up and running again for the moment and as a result interrupt your radio link to your comrades. It seems you have to put up with me instead."  
His voice is way too calm, so Steve looks for a trap, something hidden, but nothing catches his eyes and the leader seems to be free from any weapons. Nonetheless he only inches forward a few steps and raises his shield so that he is barely able to see over it. He stops and crouches, ready to strike any moment.

The loud laugh that reverberates off of the walls is not what he expects to come from his enemy and the feeling in his gut that something is going horribly, horribly wrong (again) intensifies.

"I would ease up a bit if I were you."

He's clearly taunting him and for a moment all Steve wants to do it throw his shield and break that guys neck, because the disgusting grin on his scarred face is the same the Major wore on his.  
But luckily the few weeks Steve- the Cap took for himself have been worth it, so the little boy's feelings slip easily away from the mission he focuses on instead. "Give me one good reason, why I should do that."

The hostility in his stance grows, as the leader takes two steps forward. Once again he raises his hands in mocking peace, but this time there is something small in the palm of his right hand, secured by his thumb that rests on a small round button.  
He reacts before the guy is able to open his mouth and takes a swing with his shield-  
(his thumb is already on the button, probably a bomb to bring the building down, he can't release it so the best way is to throw him off of his feet and grab the device, before it's too late)

" _Steve?"  
_ -but is unable to throw it, as Bucky's voice behind him renders him useless.

It's scratchy, he's clearly exhausted and confused, but it's still Bucky. Did he remember, did he return for him _(isthenightmarefinallyover)_ -

" _Who's that?"  
_ The Cap freezes and is barely able to contain Steve, who wants to turn around and embrace his past with desperate tears, but it's in fact **not** Bucky, isn't it? The tone, the slur in his voice gives it away, he's delirious, probably just woken up from one of their _sessions_ …  
And his assumption is being confirmed a second later, when lights brighten up the dimly lit room and throw colorful shadows on the opposite wall of him. A mere recording. A glance into the past Steve ( _stupidlittleboy_ ) caused.

"I have valuable information about Hydra's weapon. Information you apparently are searching for."

It's a trap. Obviously. But-  
( _cannotgivein,_ _youwillriskitallagain_ )  
This is about Bucky. James. His best friend. More than that. His brother. His family. All he has left now except for the responsibility that keeps pressing down onto him harder and harder the more he thinks about the leader's words.

It's a trap. He's faking.  
"Not interested."  
Thankfully his shield hides his shaking fist from his enemy's crazy eyes.

"You sure about that?"  
Cap has no chance to formulate a heated reply, because a second later Bucky's voice is back, agonized and screaming and ( _pleasemakeitstop!_ ) it feels like those nights back in Germany all over again, when he had been plagued by nightmares and cruel memories of his time in captivity.  
Suddenly there are unfamiliar words, Russian, and even though he doesn't understand a single one of them he knows they are too important to let it simply go. They stand alone, each and every one precisely pronounced and with every single one Bucky is struggling more and more, until-

Silence.  
A question.

" _Who is he?"_

" _The enemy."_

The recording stops and the leader takes another step closer. Cap doesn't react.  
Natasha- Black Widow, she would be able to help him, he needs those recordings right now, since it's the first real lead he has in months-  
"So tell me Captain, are you interested in a little deal?"

He shouldn't, it's a deal with the devil, but how can he resist when he is so close to what he was looking for all along? There is a chance to get Bucky back, he knows it, feels it, if only he can translate those words and find out their meanings.  
Cap shouldn't do it, but Steve gives a fuck about that.

"I'm listening."

He is unaware that the dry lips of his enemy turn into a vicious smirk. He is unaware that he lowers his shield and gives up his protective stance.  
He is aware though that these are the same people he swore to eliminate for his country, for Bucky and himself. The ugly feeling in his stomach he has since the beginning of this mission bubbles up a little bit more, but he continues to ignore it.

"Stop the attack on the base, tell your people to go and you'll get some information in exchange for our lives."

Cap stops the sigh in his throat before it can escape. He knew it was too good to be true. The leader does exactly know that it's not going to work out, that they simply would return or take it by force (they are the Avengers after all). So there is something else going on. A distraction? What else could he hope to achieve except for –

It makes sense.  
The leader knows some of the team are inside the building, he knows he is not going to get rid of their massive force just by pure luck and his own soldiers, he knows he has to keep stalling Cap in order to eliminate them for his superiors.

"What do you say about-"  
The leader is oblivious and so Cap rushes forward in the mere blink of an eye. He can't lose his grip around the little device in his hand, because it's for sure used to set off a round of bombs laid out in the building. Cap's shield sores forward and destroys the leader's knee caps, who lets out an agonized scream and falls backwards. Cap is onto him a second later, hand tightly closed around the other man's to ensure the survival of his teammates.

"Shit!"

The danger is under control.  
Now all he needs to do is get contact to the others.

"You know, Captain," the leader begins once again and the smug grin on his scarred face doesn't want to fit to the image of defeat he should reflect right about now, "if we had known that our precious soldier is able to throw you off course so massively, we would have started our little mind games with you a lot sooner."

…what?

It doesn't make any sense, until Cap notices the clasp at the top of the leader's uniform, moments before he starts talking again.  
"Start the timer!"

The device in his hand was fake from the beginning on.

With a jolt he jumps up and away from the maniac and his haunting laugh that echoes around the room, as he thinks of Natasha who is supposed to be somewhere above him right now. They have to get out asap.  
It's a stupid idea, but Steve pushes through once more and yells at him ( _justfuckingdoit!_ ), his instinct comes back and as Bucky finally leaves his mind, he throws the shield up against the fragile ceiling. It crumbles under the force and parts of rubble and stone come down on them, until half of the room above them is revealed. While Cap pushes the debris from his shield he kept himself safe under, he doesn't spare a single glance at the crushed body of the leader on the other side of the room.

"Natasha!"  
His scream fills the room and the hope-filling static (it's better than the horrible silence) on the comm.-link. Nothing. With an easy jump he manages to climb up and looks around. No sign of her, the others or those bombs. It's eerily quiet, not even the shots can be heard that usually accompany Tony and the others outside during their version of a 'good old clean-up'. "Can anyone hear me?!"  
His scream is filled with too many emotions, but more and more of Steve bleeds into the panicking Captain, who struggles to do what he was made for. If one of his teammates gets hurt, because he neglected his duty, the one task he was brought to life for ( _butwhataboutthe_ _ **before**_ ) –

"… _-ap where the fuck are you?!"  
_ It's Clint. For a moment he braces himself on the wall to his right, as his knees are close to giving out under him. Then he runs through the corridors again, looking for the familiar mop of red hair and pulls his mask off of his face, because he struggles to breathe (it's not the mask, Steve teases).

"You have to get out of the building right now! Where is Natasha?!"  
Clint is about to protest, until he notices that Cap- Steve uses her real name during the mission. It's a bad enough sign for him that something went massively wrong, so he trusts his gut and answers Steve as best as possible.

" _I'm outside, only you and her are still in the building, I don't know where she is. We lost contact for a few minutes and just got it back. What is going on?"_

"There are bombs-" is all he manages, before a massive explosion rips the path behind him apart and throws him forward into a wall. His head rings, Clint's voice mixes with another one and for a moment all he can do is admire the swirling world in front of his eyes.  
If it weren't for Steve's voice inside of his head – or is it Hydra's by now? – he wouldn't push himself up wearily, but lying around isn't what he was made for, being useless isn't why they chose him to be their leader.  
He has to find her, save her, stop her from tumbling to her death in an icy ravine below a dashing train, _hold on just a second longer, don't let go, please, don't leave me –_

"Fucking focus, Steve!"  
He isn't sure whether it's his voice or Tony's at this point, but it pushes him forward down the tunnel through smoke and blinding darkness, until he finally sees her in the room at the end of the hall. In the same moment she looks at him, surprise and fear written on her usually emotionless face, and he understands. She has found one of the bombs. There is no time. No regret.

With a scream he throws the shield at her in an unusual angle, she sees it and braces herself, before the flat side of it smashes into her and pushes her slim body through the thick window behind of her.  
Hopefully she'll survive the fall, hopefully someone will catch her, hopefully she isn't injured by the force of his unyielding shield. But at least she is out of harm's way.

The explosion goes off and with it bombs to his left and right join the deadly firework that brings the building down in one swift go.  
At least he managed to save her. It doesn't make it better though.

He is worth nothing as a friend.  
He was a reliable captain looking out for his team, but now –

He failed not only as a friend, but as a leader as well.  
What's left now is… nothing.  
It's sobering, he ponders, while everything goes dark around him.


End file.
